…Inspired.

This space is like home to me… I come here to share my soul… my art… my heart.

I have been so lost for so long… so torn and uncertain.

I come here… and I begin to write… but nothing comes to me… Nothing I wish to share.

I have questioned  so much about myself… My art…

I am inspired… I have found myself…

Here I am.

Ciao for now… Hayley x

… because there are days when Alone is where we find the warmth and comfort we seek…

Ciao for now… Hayley x

I drove away… Shocked to the core.  His words ran through my mind… over and over.  And suddenly there I was… In the midst of what were the darkest of my days. Ever.  Life was destined to be different… Medications… Bad days… Days of not being able to get out of bed… Days void of colour… of emotion.  I drove… through the tears I found my way to the lookout… upon the hill… ever so dramatic… and there I sat in my car… and I cried.  I cried and I cried.  I could not catch my breath.  Overwhelmed with the pain I had felt all along… the realisation of my newfound diagnosis… relief of finally having an answer.  Even if I didn’t like it.

His words rang through my brain, drilling, grinding… Painful.

For the rest of your life.

The days that followed were perhaps the most difficult.  As his words spun around and around.

This will not be easy.

In what seemed like a blur… Days turned into weeks… Adjustments… Medications… Realisations.

I was consumed by fear… As I read statistics… symptoms… outcomes… I cried… and I cried a little more.

His words still filled my mind.

Well it IS Bipolar.

It IS Bipolar…

People like me don’t get Bipolar… It just doesn’t happen that way…

That was what I thought… Until now.

These days have been some of the hardest… I am not proud of the depths of despair I have reached… or the loss of hope that at times I have felt… But I no longer dwell on my weaknesses… I have learned that there is Hayley… and that there is a sickness… and while the two will meet and dance and become entangled some days… They are not one.

You have lived with me through these days… through portraits of a dark soul… blurred black and white images of tangled fences… decrepit houses… twisted branches… You have walked with me through my journey… unknowingly.  And there will be days much like these again… for certain… but they are slowly becoming but a memory.

A hard pill to swallow… But I did it… and here I am… Sharing my not so perfect story with you as I walk through a new phase in my life… a journey to wellness… to happiness… A journey to Hayley.

I have learned to release the pain… release the power of my illness… to reclaim my life… Really…  It was quite simple… I reminded myself It had always been there… I’d been dealing with it already… It just didn’t have a name.  With a name came a treatment… a helping hand… with a name came an answer… a guiding light.

And now… Here I am… Today my heart is filled with light and colour… Today my heart if FULL.

I thank you… for walking with me down this path… for being by my side… loving what I share… on my darkest days and my brightest… for being here still… for allowing me to share with you… that which was… before the blossoms.

Ciao for now… Hayley x

While the nights are still cool and fresh… the days are warming now… and with the sunshine comes blossoms… Oh how they make my heart sing…

Ciao for now… Hayley x

Today I drove… That’s my thing… When I am restless I jump into my car, I turn up the music and I drive…

Of course upon my passenger seat sits my Epiphanie bag… filled to the brim with camera goodness…

Just in case…

Ciao for now… Hayley x

Once… These days would be the ones where I would hide away… My soul void of anything pretty and colourful… My heart heavy with sadness and grief for an inspiration gone a rye.  These days would be spent uneasy… agitated… wishing for something more… something filled with light and hope and beauty.  I would drive… and I would drive in hope of finding something… ANYTHING that would reach out to me… grasp me with both hands and help me create beautiful magic with my camera… but nothing.

Until this…

At first glance all I saw was my melancholy… my sadness… a soul void of colour and inspiration… But the more I looked… The more it spoke to me… Is art not simply an emotion on canvas?  Is inspiration not simply something that moves you?  Suddenly I saw… this old decrepit home… these twisted branches… were hauntingly beautiful… and they were windows to MY. SOUL. in that very moment.  While I look upon this image with a heavy heart… I must realise that is simply because I have captured something real… something tangible and raw… Something that haunts me, touches me… MAKES. ME. FEEL.  I will print this image… and I will mount it in a journal… as a gentle reminder… that beauty need not be colourful… that art need not be pretty and content… but that to capture an emotion within a single frame is a GIFT.

Ciao for now… Hayley x

This is not a new photo…  I can hardly believe it has been months since I took it… But it embodies all that he is… His intensity… His maturity… His sense of “knowing”… I can’t help but be drawn into him… Into those eyes.

Ciao for now… Hayley x